LIVity

The last year I performed in the Nutcracker. I was a flower.

As those of you who follow my Instagram account know (shameless plug; If you don't follow, please be inspired to do that and to check out my new Facebook page), Mom and I were hanging out last weekend.  We went to see The Nutcracker for old times' sake.  This particular production was put on by my current dance studios' students and it left us  trying to erase its memory through glasses of Hennessey and Malbec at dinner.

We started talking about the difference between this production and the one put on by the studio where I was trained.  One thing led to another and we started discussing the downside to my former studio.  If you haven't already, you can read about that in my post, Being the Token.  

I've never been much of a talker, so I guess I never told Mom about the things that were happening to me at the studio.  This weekend she asked.  I told her with the exception of my four or five friends, I hated the girls at the studio.  She asked if they had been mean to me.  Tears welled up in my eyes and I couldn't even put words the ways they purposefully tried to alienate me.  Mom said she was sorry she had to put me in a situation like that, but believes our community needs ground breakers and knew I could handle it.  Besides just being a ground breaker, she wanted me to get the best ballet training available.  She ended with the words, "You got the experience."

Mom's words reminded me of a statement Nikki Giovanni made at a lecture she gave at my college some years ago.  Giovanni told the story of a failed attempt at a love affair and ended with the sentiment that she didn't regret anything because she "got the story." At the time I thought getting the story was important as a writer.  Now I know getting the story is important as a person.  It's okay to be in a situation that's uncomfortable or even one that hurts or makes me angry because, like Mom said, I get the experience.  I take what I was meant to learn for those situations and use it to be the best possible me.

~With ♥ from Halima

I'm publishing a day early this week because Thanksgiving is fast approaching and I don't want to let a week go by without capturing my feelings about Darren Wilson not being indicted for the murder of Michael Brown.

Initially when I heard the news on Monday evening, I was numb.  That's the best way to describe it.  I say this because I was sad for the unjustified loss of life and the unimaginable pain of his family.  But after Trayvon Martin and countless others like him, I was not surprised.  It was kind like the grand jury was saying, hey we all know nothing is going to come of a trial, so let's just skip the charade this time.

But by Tuesday night I was a mess. I mean, stomach upset - tears welling up in my eyes - had to take my earrings off at work - mess.  I attribute this to two things. 

The first was the complete insensitivity and obliviousness of media coverage paired with the reactions it evoked from my coworkers and social media circle.  The best example I can give is when CNN aired the video of Lesley McSpadden, Michael Brown's mother, reacting to news the Wilson would not be indicted.  Instead of the media capturing the real story - a grief-stricken mother trying to understand why she not only lost her child, but why she doesn't deserve to get justice for him - it focused on Brown's stepfather, Louis Head.  I'm not a man, but I can understand Head's anger at not being able to not only protect his stepson's life, but also protect his wife from the pain of her loss.  And as a human, I can understand people being upset about the riots and looking for someone to pin as the instigator.  In this instance, Head is a visible and thus easy target. 

But by doing so the media overlooks the fact that the riots are symptomatic of a larger problem.  The problem that young, black lives are being lost everyday and the black community is being asked, through lack of action, to take it quietly sitting down.  Do I agree with the riots?? Not necessarily, but I understand them.  There's only so many times you'll be silenced while trying to insert yourself before you do something to take the attention you need and deserve.  The fact that mainstream America doesn't get this is maddening. 

I sat by silently on Tuesday (at the risk of speaking up and becoming the mad, black woman) and witnessed people in my office watch this video and make comments like, "Look at [Head's] pants," is reference to his sagging jeans.  Completely oblivious to McSpadden's grief and Head grasping to try and fix it for her the best way he knew how in that moment.  Completely overlooking the roles of mother and man.  Completely missing that though they are brown people, they are still people what have emotions that are relatable if they could just be seen as such.

The second thing that had me messed up on Tuesday (and I apologize for the length of this post, but I HAVE to vent) was the reactions of my friends who have children.  They are now tasked with explaining a monumental event to little people who see life in black-and-white, fair and not fair.  And that's not fair.  It's not fair for my friend, the father who has to explain to his son that he can't wear his hat backwards like his white friends because to do so may be a life and death decision. Or my other friend who just taught his son about slavery on Monday and assured him that everything was much  better for us now, but has to go back and add a caveat.  It's not fair to any parent who has to raise a child to not only be successful, but also how to appear non-threatening and how to stay alive. It makes me anxious about considering having my own children and taking on that task.  Even more so, it makes me anxious about the state of our country.

I don't know what's going to come next and what it's going to mean for us or for me.  What I do know is I'm going to support a push for justice by contributing to the Legal Support Fund for Justice for Mike Brown.  This fund is being used to provide legal aid to those who have been arrested in Ferguson while protested Michael Brown's murder.  I urge you to join me.

~ With ♥ from Halima

Last week when I ran across the story of Lennon Lacy, a young man found hanged near his home in North Carolina, I was overcome by so much sadness.  Stories of people losing their lives or going missing without much mass, public outrage have become more and more common. Is this what our society has come to? The value of life has been so diminished we think it's okay to numb ourselves to stories such as this?

And even worse than public response is police response.  One of the main sticking points of this story is Lacy's family continually mentioning how excited he was for the start of football season in the face of authorities being ready to write this off as a suicide.  Last time I checked, people who are preparing to commit suicide tie up loose ends, they normally don't display excitement over starting new endeavors.

This story struck close to home because I've personally known a family whose 20-something son was found hanging from the loft in his condo.  The police ruled his death suicide as well even though things surrounding his death did not add up.  One example was two wine glasses found at the scene -  the young man did not drink.  Even if he did drink, the second glass suggests someone else was at his home around at the time of his death.  So, either someone else caused it or at the very least, they have information on events leading up to the time of his death. But police never even looked into finding that other person.

The difference between this young man's story and Lacy's story is the latter was romantically involved with a white woman while living in a community that is admittedly unfriendly to minorities.  I'd love to know what really happened with Lacy, but because it doesn't look like his death will ever be seriously investigated, all I can say is, this sounds like a dead ringer for a repeat of Emmett Till's story. This terrifies me as I move forward in my adult life and consider marriage and a family.  I'd love to give my future husband a son, but nearly 60 years after Till, I can't believe part of my life plans are troubled by the same issues my ancestors faced - how to raise a boy child in a world where his life unfortunately holds little value. And this is the true cost of inhumanity and subsequent disregard - people not being able to fully live their lives for fear of losing them.

~With ♥ from Halima

Do you think there is a resurgence of unchecked violence in our nation or do you think it is simply receiving more media (whether mainstream or social) attention? Why do you think either or both are happening at this point in time?

Right before I went on my summer hiatus, I adopted a dog, Nellie.

The last couple of months have been tiring as we've been adjusting, training and making vet visits, but this dog has still managed to steal my heart.  So much so that I'm going to bat for her.

Sometimes the easist way to define something is to list every thing it's not. So here goes.

Having just entered my 32nd year of life, it's as good a time as any to reflect on one pressing lesson I've taken from the past year. That being, I've confirmed I truly cannot exert energy on those who wouldn't do the same for me.

I've always maintained a select group of friends and was quick to cut people off if they showed an inkling of disloyalty. But this past year or so, I made an effort to be forgiving and cultivate relationships I would've ended in the past. This decision was based on my acceptance and love of my own perfect imperfections and realizing those around me have resolved to do the same for me.

I've come out on the other end having defined these philosophies about selfishness and friendship:

Every relationship is selfish. We have other people in our lives because of how that relationship makes us feel. The problem comes when someone consistently feels it’s okay to ask of you without ever providing energy in return. No relationship is ever going to be equal, but it should always be a give and take.

Which brings me to this: I can’t be in any type of relationship where I’m putting more into a person than they’re willing to put into themselves. We all had to start from somewhere, but at this point in my life, I can’t be around people based on their potential. I have my own work to do on myself and relationships based on bettering someone else do nothing but take energy away from this. It’s selfish for someone to expect me to do the heavy lifting in their life. And simply put, I cannot love anybody more than they love themselves.

So, to get to my final point and to end on a light note – thank you to all of my loved ones who made my birthday celebration unforgettable. You’re exceptional people and even more (and selfishly) so, you’re great friends.

Recently, I was able to free up some funds by finally getting the bank to modify my home loan. I don't want to go too much into the process I had to go through to do this, but just know the way big banks treat customers who are trying to do the right thing is shameful. But anyway, words can't explain how great it felt to accomplish the modification - to take money out of corporate America's pocket and invest into something worthwhile, a young life.

When will corporate America stop with the lies and admit people will help themselves (and others) when put in a fair position to do so? My best answer is, when it's no longer profitable. Sad, but true.

I'm sitting here thinking about all the stuff I planned for this weekend to try to squeeze every drop of fun out of summer before its fast-approaching end. Out of all the events, the 50th Anniversary of the March on Washington, on 24 August, is going to be the highlight.

I've been speaking with people to spread the word and am surprised that many don't recognize the importance of this march. So, I'll provide a short summary here and if you're interested, the rest can be found on National Action Network's Web site. To start off, the official name of the march is National Action To Realize the Dream March. Part of its purpose it to commemorate the original March on Washington, but the larger part is to recognize that some work still needs to be done to achieve the dream Martin Luther King Jr. spoke about at the original march. We'll be marching for Jobs and the Economy, to take a stand for the parts of the Voting Rights Act SCOTUS recently struck down and judicial rights (think Goerge Zimmerman verdict and corresponding Stand Your Ground Law), women's rights, LGBT equality, environmental issues that overwhelming affect the minority and low-income populations and in my opinion, the most important thing we'll be marching for is our youth and their future.

These are issues that affect everyone in this country, so everyone should be interested in this march. But when talking to people, I've heard two main reasons for reluctance to attend. The first: what will marching do to actively affect change? And the secone more common relates to the personal security as it relates to the concern of fights. To the first I have my own question to pose in response: What good is sitting around doing or saying nothing about situations that negatively impact you?? Yea, us rallying together won't change laws or create jobs, but it will send a message to the people who can. We're letting them know we are paying attention and want them to do a better job representing our interests. It's easy for them to say they don't know our issues or even worse, to ignore us when the only time we communicate with them is at the voting booth. It's much harder to do when we're physically present making our wishes known. As far as the second concern about violence, I have faith that all in attendance will be there for a good cause. I'm going to leave it at that because I refuse to speak any negativity into existance.

If you're on the fence about attending, I hope this post did something to sway you in the direction of coming. And if your attendance is based on some technical detail, please visit National Action Network's Web site for info on buses, hotels, etc.

I truly hope to see some familiar faces this weekend :-)

Until next time,

With ♥ from Halima

Okay, so we're officially about 12 hours from finding out if $85 million in budget cuts will come into effect. 

Regardless of what happens, I have to take this opportunity to urge everyone to make a conscious effort to remember how you're feeling during this time.  Remember because you seem to forget once election season roles around.  You forget that the names you're voting back into office because they're familiar are the same names that are so self-serving they are willing to put your livelihood in harm's way just to push their own agendas.  Just to protect their own wealth.  Just to continue their greed.  When will they realize pushing all the wealth to a small portion of the population will cause the downfall of us all?

I wrote my Congresswoman about the detriment the budget cuts could have on me due to the possible furlough of federal employees, but I wish I had further reach. 

I have two ideal situations.  The first is that I wish I could go into Congress and get on a soapbox.  Reveal to the members that they've lost perspective.  Remind them that they were voted into office to represent members of their communities.  I don't know any members of my community that would vote to have their pay withheld.  Especially when everyone is not being asked to make the same sacrifices.  Especially when the wealthy, including the individual that's supposed to be representing them in Congress, isn't undergoing the same circumstances. 

But more than likely my second scenario will be more effective. I wish I could go into Congress with a huge hose - clean everything out and start all over.

Earlier this week, I was on Twitter (@MidnyteBloom) railing against Question 7 on Prince George's County's upcoming Presidential Election Ballot.  This question is asking residents to vote on MGM Casino having a location in the National Harbor.  Supporters of Question 7 have everybody from long-term county residents, to teachers to local politicians on TV saying how this casino would keep money in the state and how it would go towards improving the PG County school system.

Excuse me for not getting excited over this. 

On Monday, Newsweek released a list of the top 1000 public schools in the nation.

Twenty-three Maryland schools made the list. While at least seven of these were in Montgomery County, not one PG County school made the list.

Again, how does this disparity happen when PG County has a higher taxation rate than Montgomery County??

Best High Schools in America 2012: Newsweek Releases New Rankings

Prince George’s County needs to invest in itself. As our elected officials, you are charged to lead this effort for the betterment of our county’s future.

I live in a community in PG County that has approximately three school bus stops. This means, I have the opportunity to observe many youth as they make their way to and from their respective schools. I understand schools are relying more on technology and less on textbooks, but an overwhelming majority of the students are boarding buses with no book bags, laptop bags or iPad/tablet cases. This begs the question, what resources do our youth have and what are they studying?

Residents of PG County pay more property tax than residents of Montgomery County, yet Montgomery County can afford to properly supply its students with resources, current technology and education that prepares them for higher education.

By mismanaging our tax dollars, you’re creating obstacles our youth must overcome in order to compete in today’s educational system and later, a job market that is steadily evolving to completely exclude applicants lacking higher education.

Our youth may not understand the gravity of the injustice being done to them, so it’s their parents’ responsibility to push for their children’s fighting chance at a decent life. Unfortunately, many parents are stuck in cycle of trying to obtain or maintain a decent job in hopes of making a better life for themselves and their children. Oftentimes, this cycle involves trekking across town because professional jobs in PG County are seriously lacking. This leaves little time for PG County parents to seriously pursue the matter of their children’s education. Simply stated, we need better jobs in PG County. Family structure and our youth’s future depend on this.

If Montgomery County can do it, we can do it. We have the resources, now we just need leadership that cares enough to demand change. Please take these items on for action.

As humans, part of our social nature is to search for similarities in each other; something in another person, with which we can relate and bond over. I think that's why any 'ism' feels like it's going against the grain.

To maintain an 'ism,' extreme, conscious measures need to be taken. Unfortunately, this is mostly achieved by putting another group of people down to elevate one's sense of worth. For instance, classism often comes by living in excess to highlight the divide between those who have and those who are less economically fortunate. And racism comes at the expense of the minority. I don't understand racism, so I can't explain what racists are trying to bring to our attention. They're better people because of skin color?? I almost feel bad for them because they think they have nothing better going for themselves than genetics.

This sense of superiority is as contrived as the measures taken to deny it. One of the tactics that bothers me most is when people use race as an adjective. Especially when it's done for nothing more than political reasons. As in, "Our county was built around such-and-such lake which was discovered by so-and-so, the first African-American man to drive a car." Get where I'm going?? One thing has nothing to do with another. This is just another form of, "Some of my best friends are black." The issue of race is often squeezed in for selfish reasons - to show you're dealing with good people because they like brown people.

And it's condescending. With all the contributions brown people have made, why are we relegated to getting pats on the back for the mundane while our major contributions are downplayed. What if the situation was reversed?? I don't ever recall seeing a historical reference to "so-and-so, the first white man to use a gas mask." Sounds ridiculous, right?? So why do we accept it??

And not only do we accept it, we've adopted it. How many times have you caught yourself saying something like, "Hey, there's some white girl looking for you."?? It's easy, but it's lazy.

Let's do better, but also, let's expect better. If people insist on using race as an adjective, let's make sure it's an educational sense and therefore in everyone's best interest.

Inspiration to Demand Better: A list of major inventions by African Americans

Too many in the so-called conscious community have lost sight of what consciousness means. In the past, it meant the struggle to educate yourself AND others so the entire community progresses.

I firmly believe that people who know better tend to do better. I also believe there are some people who don’t have the means to know better and therefore don’t stand a chance at doing better. This is where the conscious community should step up - to provide for those America has purposefully neglected.

Instead, many in the ‘conscious’ community have lost sight of this and have become largely self-serving. They’ve made being conscious a trend - even borderline cultish. It’s about the facts they’ve memorized or the books they’ve read to let others know they’re part of the crew.

The worst part is, instead of sharing this information and thereby uplifting others, they try to boost their appearance of intellectualism by denigrating people who don’t have the means to know or do better. They’ve become hoarders of knowledge.

It’s all very selfish and oppositional to the goal of consciousness. Nothing is accomplished by talking at people. This is evident by the fact that our community is still lacking.

People need to focus less on what a conscious individual looks or sounds like and more on what it will take to be a healthy and aware community.