LIVity

The last year I performed in the Nutcracker. I was a flower.

As those of you who follow my Instagram account know (shameless plug; If you don't follow, please be inspired to do that and to check out my new Facebook page), Mom and I were hanging out last weekend.  We went to see The Nutcracker for old times' sake.  This particular production was put on by my current dance studios' students and it left us  trying to erase its memory through glasses of Hennessey and Malbec at dinner.

We started talking about the difference between this production and the one put on by the studio where I was trained.  One thing led to another and we started discussing the downside to my former studio.  If you haven't already, you can read about that in my post, Being the Token.  

I've never been much of a talker, so I guess I never told Mom about the things that were happening to me at the studio.  This weekend she asked.  I told her with the exception of my four or five friends, I hated the girls at the studio.  She asked if they had been mean to me.  Tears welled up in my eyes and I couldn't even put words the ways they purposefully tried to alienate me.  Mom said she was sorry she had to put me in a situation like that, but believes our community needs ground breakers and knew I could handle it.  Besides just being a ground breaker, she wanted me to get the best ballet training available.  She ended with the words, "You got the experience."

Mom's words reminded me of a statement Nikki Giovanni made at a lecture she gave at my college some years ago.  Giovanni told the story of a failed attempt at a love affair and ended with the sentiment that she didn't regret anything because she "got the story." At the time I thought getting the story was important as a writer.  Now I know getting the story is important as a person.  It's okay to be in a situation that's uncomfortable or even one that hurts or makes me angry because, like Mom said, I get the experience.  I take what I was meant to learn for those situations and use it to be the best possible me.

~With ♥ from Halima

I'm publishing a day early this week because Thanksgiving is fast approaching and I don't want to let a week go by without capturing my feelings about Darren Wilson not being indicted for the murder of Michael Brown.

Initially when I heard the news on Monday evening, I was numb.  That's the best way to describe it.  I say this because I was sad for the unjustified loss of life and the unimaginable pain of his family.  But after Trayvon Martin and countless others like him, I was not surprised.  It was kind like the grand jury was saying, hey we all know nothing is going to come of a trial, so let's just skip the charade this time.

But by Tuesday night I was a mess. I mean, stomach upset - tears welling up in my eyes - had to take my earrings off at work - mess.  I attribute this to two things. 

The first was the complete insensitivity and obliviousness of media coverage paired with the reactions it evoked from my coworkers and social media circle.  The best example I can give is when CNN aired the video of Lesley McSpadden, Michael Brown's mother, reacting to news the Wilson would not be indicted.  Instead of the media capturing the real story - a grief-stricken mother trying to understand why she not only lost her child, but why she doesn't deserve to get justice for him - it focused on Brown's stepfather, Louis Head.  I'm not a man, but I can understand Head's anger at not being able to not only protect his stepson's life, but also protect his wife from the pain of her loss.  And as a human, I can understand people being upset about the riots and looking for someone to pin as the instigator.  In this instance, Head is a visible and thus easy target. 

But by doing so the media overlooks the fact that the riots are symptomatic of a larger problem.  The problem that young, black lives are being lost everyday and the black community is being asked, through lack of action, to take it quietly sitting down.  Do I agree with the riots?? Not necessarily, but I understand them.  There's only so many times you'll be silenced while trying to insert yourself before you do something to take the attention you need and deserve.  The fact that mainstream America doesn't get this is maddening. 

I sat by silently on Tuesday (at the risk of speaking up and becoming the mad, black woman) and witnessed people in my office watch this video and make comments like, "Look at [Head's] pants," is reference to his sagging jeans.  Completely oblivious to McSpadden's grief and Head grasping to try and fix it for her the best way he knew how in that moment.  Completely overlooking the roles of mother and man.  Completely missing that though they are brown people, they are still people what have emotions that are relatable if they could just be seen as such.

The second thing that had me messed up on Tuesday (and I apologize for the length of this post, but I HAVE to vent) was the reactions of my friends who have children.  They are now tasked with explaining a monumental event to little people who see life in black-and-white, fair and not fair.  And that's not fair.  It's not fair for my friend, the father who has to explain to his son that he can't wear his hat backwards like his white friends because to do so may be a life and death decision. Or my other friend who just taught his son about slavery on Monday and assured him that everything was much  better for us now, but has to go back and add a caveat.  It's not fair to any parent who has to raise a child to not only be successful, but also how to appear non-threatening and how to stay alive. It makes me anxious about considering having my own children and taking on that task.  Even more so, it makes me anxious about the state of our country.

I don't know what's going to come next and what it's going to mean for us or for me.  What I do know is I'm going to support a push for justice by contributing to the Legal Support Fund for Justice for Mike Brown.  This fund is being used to provide legal aid to those who have been arrested in Ferguson while protested Michael Brown's murder.  I urge you to join me.

~ With ♥ from Halima

Last week when I ran across the story of Lennon Lacy, a young man found hanged near his home in North Carolina, I was overcome by so much sadness.  Stories of people losing their lives or going missing without much mass, public outrage have become more and more common. Is this what our society has come to? The value of life has been so diminished we think it's okay to numb ourselves to stories such as this?

And even worse than public response is police response.  One of the main sticking points of this story is Lacy's family continually mentioning how excited he was for the start of football season in the face of authorities being ready to write this off as a suicide.  Last time I checked, people who are preparing to commit suicide tie up loose ends, they normally don't display excitement over starting new endeavors.

This story struck close to home because I've personally known a family whose 20-something son was found hanging from the loft in his condo.  The police ruled his death suicide as well even though things surrounding his death did not add up.  One example was two wine glasses found at the scene -  the young man did not drink.  Even if he did drink, the second glass suggests someone else was at his home around at the time of his death.  So, either someone else caused it or at the very least, they have information on events leading up to the time of his death. But police never even looked into finding that other person.

The difference between this young man's story and Lacy's story is the latter was romantically involved with a white woman while living in a community that is admittedly unfriendly to minorities.  I'd love to know what really happened with Lacy, but because it doesn't look like his death will ever be seriously investigated, all I can say is, this sounds like a dead ringer for a repeat of Emmett Till's story. This terrifies me as I move forward in my adult life and consider marriage and a family.  I'd love to give my future husband a son, but nearly 60 years after Till, I can't believe part of my life plans are troubled by the same issues my ancestors faced - how to raise a boy child in a world where his life unfortunately holds little value. And this is the true cost of inhumanity and subsequent disregard - people not being able to fully live their lives for fear of losing them.

~With ♥ from Halima

Do you think there is a resurgence of unchecked violence in our nation or do you think it is simply receiving more media (whether mainstream or social) attention? Why do you think either or both are happening at this point in time?